17 going on 70.

a year has gone by. i am supposed to be stronger, wiser, smarter and happier. but somehow i feel weaker, more foolish, more stupid and sadder. but hey, i am just 17. its not like i am 70. things are gonna start looking up. theyve got to. i ve got my whole damned life to live and i am definitely gonna live it up. muahahaahahahahah. hey maybe i am wiser. i sure wouldnt have said that a year ago. haha. brilliant.

well i tried to hide my birthday from people over here cos i just wanted it to slide. i dont quite know why. i just wanted it to pass quietly. just the way i wanna die. quietly away from the glare of life, in a dark corner alone with only me and god. but everyone found out.

Someone did say i looked quiet dead.

anyway i skipped english class today. i cant believe i did that. i just couldnt be bothered to go. i just managed to pull myself to the student council meeting. i am just sick of this. really sick and tired. i only have two months and then i am home. home. cant wait to meet all the guys. go to the soccer court. play football. i can run around, trip on my shoe laces or do a little jig past chu hon and score a goal. and get pushed by him later. oh i miss poking choonhow. i miss yongliang and his funnyness. his jolly look on everything. i even miss wenjie and oh edwin and his bonecrunching tackles in soccer. i miss the whole soccer gang. hahahaha. and messing about with daryl at his place and GM!!! OH GM. i miss the food. i miss the place. i miss the people. and who can forget the pussy (gonna be a man soon) huiwen and euwei who did it his way. and manyao. hahahah manyao is such a nut. hahaha. miss em all. love em all. miss the whole damned gang. and god, for the first time in my entire life, i am homesick. god knows why. and he aint gonna open his mouth. its between me and him. yup.

Homies for life, we can hope.

and ofcourse i’ll never forget garchu. forever always in my mind, whether or not its a good or bad thing i dont really care anymore. like i said, i am wiser, got (hopefully) 70, 80 or even 90 years left in me. somehow i still feel like an idiot though. hahaha. somethings never change i guess.

but hey, i am gonna change my whole life, turn me inside out. gonna be a different boy. a man. changing my look on life, my thinking, myself.

and some chinese guys keep saying i look like nani, manchester uniteds striker. chu hon will have alot to say about that. no actually he’ll just say rubbish. hahahaha.

Nani. Apparently my twin.

This is where the similarities end.

And this is where this post ends.

-END-

Two months…

Life sure is funny. John, from Cat’s Cradle, said so once. And I am doing the same now. Life sure is funny. Only, I am not laughing. No actuallyI am. I am laughing. Muahahahahahahaha. Hey i’ve got two months to go then I am out. I’ll be free. I’ll be back on the outside. I will no longer be prisoner no. 24601. Take that Javert! Jean Valjean is something now!!!! HAH!

Anyway, today was a day of sleeping, sleeping in class and eating. Picture this: four people eating pita bread and hummus in Starbucks, taking up some of the best seats without buying any Starbucks dreams. That’s exactly what happened. Brilliant.

However, I am a fan of Starbucks. I love the Tazo Chai Lattes. Mmmmhmmm……

Drink Tazo Chai, Saiful Saleem does! (like anyone cares…)

You stole my heart
Without any warning
Right from the start
Leaving me hoping

Jeeeeeeeeezzzz, i cant wait to get back home. to be engulfed in the warm humidity of singapore. to smell and taste the country. To feel and breathe the culture. Oh what joy it will be to be home. Slightly more than two months left. Time, i hope, will flyyyyyyyyyy.

Gone freaky mad!

School was out. I went back to my room and went freaky mad.

Before the madness stuck.

Gone freaky mad!!!

Oh the joy of madness.

Arrr……..

hmmm. these days it seems i am blogging for the sake of blogging.

i am in family studies class now. and see what i am doing. muahahahaa. oh and today is eid. brilliant. anyway i think i’ll go back to my work. or not.

goodbye person.

Another crap poem, this time not based on my life

The Day You Lied

I see you walking
And walking
Never stopping
To look behind

I see that you’re happy
With your life
I see that you’re happy
Living without strife

You see me smile
Each morning
You hear me smile
Each night

But you don’t know the pain
You never knew the hurt
I’ll never show you the tears
I keep it all within me

You will never see me cry
That is my promise
And not one of my lies
All you will see on my face
Is that smile you see each morning,
And each night.

Fate struck me cruelly
Causing so much sorrow
But It was meant to be
God tells me so.

We were both young
Life had barely begun
Yet I knew what I wanted
It was you.

I had fallen madly in love
You told me you felt the same
You said you felt it too
I was sure it was not a game
I was beyond happiness.

I felt truly complete for once
It was a beautiful dance
And we were the only dancers

But then he came by
And with his sweet lies
He stole your heart away
Quietly in a single day

I cried and cried
And cried
And wiped my tears
Only to cry again.

I lost my heart for good
But I never stopped to brood
I became a cold creature
Anger was my only feature

I was just another little boy
Driven and destroyed by love.

Three wives on,
One child born,
I still love you
It’s nothing new.

I married and remarried
Leaving each of them
For I never loved anyone
I never loved anyone but you.

Life hasn’t changed much.
I still cry and cry
And cry.
Then wipe my tears.
Only to cry again.

But you’ll never know the decades of pain
The decades that I bled without any gain.
You will never know how I slowly died
On that sweet and bitter day when you lied.

Dont worry people. I haven’t been married thrice and divorced thrice and I dont have a son. Also I am not crying. And i still have my youth.  look deeper you will see that this is not a poem of unfulfilled desires. search deeper, read sharper and you will see what lies under the veneer of love.

80’s Rockstar

i love the 80’s. crazy music. crazy people.

The remake of Prince

Notice the dangerous beginings of a Mullet.

Muahahahahahaha.

Yes people. I am a bored bugger. But I can dream.

The Monument.

At this point i admit i have gone bonkers.

I better stop right here. Goodbye people

A realization and a letter to God

It came to me while i was sleeping. A sudden awakening in the deepest of sleeps. The truth lay in the strange irony. It was a moment of brilliance that God himself must have had a hand in. I saw things without opening my eyes.

I was a painter, creating a whirlwind of colours on my canvas, forever changing the slightest details. The tints and shades, the shapes and figures. I had forgot what i had started painting for. I realize now, as I tear up my canvas abundent in rich vivid colors, that it was all but an illusion – a deception I had brought upon myself with my pure naive heart and soul. But no longer am I pure. No longer am I naive. And no longer does my heart beat in unision with the drops of rain that fall over the lake. No longer does my soul exist, if it ever did. I have been tainted.

Oh what joy to realize such truths.

hahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Oh the hysterical laugh of a disenchanted soul.

And God,

Watch me. Watch over me. And suppress your chuckles when you watch me stumble through life like a fool. Hold back your tears when you see me cry. And please dear lord, don’t hate me when I sin. Don’t hate me when I hate them. Love me for I love you and them. Trust me, my lord, even though I have never put faith in you. Forgive me for that too. For you created me and I am nothing but that; a creation of yours.

Thank you,
Your Creation

A few last words:

Love,

Fear,

Anger, and

Me

Tazo Chai Lattes and more

I love tazo chai lattes from starbuck. go get a cup of one soon!!! i probably will too. anyway these days i find myself writing crappy poems a little too much. haha.

in other news, i am hungry. i need food. dooooooofy. yes i need it. right now. but i have to wait. sadly.

and here is the poem to end poetry for good:

BUT BEFORE THAT, A BLAST FROM THE PAST

Daryl going mad at the Amara. haha great times.
“Not quite,” Chu Hon might venture

And now the poem….

AFTER THIS MESSAGE:

FAT PEOPLE ARE GOOD PEOPLE AND YONG LIANG IS MY CHAIRMAN FOREVER AND CHU HON IS WEIRD. DARYL USED TO BE FAT. AND CHOONHOW IS A CHIPMUNK. WENJIE IS CUTE AND HUIWEN IS GAY.

And now the poem:

I find color in black and white.
I feel laughter in my tears,
And Joy in my pain;
Love in their hate.

So much hate,
So is our fate.

There is meaning,
In nothing
There is life
In death.

There is much wisdom
In hearts of many fools
And there is much anger
In my absolute love.

There is anger everywhere

Truth,
Is found in lies
Lies,
Are found in me.

I am found in you.
Its nothing new.

I understand myself.
I understand you.
But i cant understand us.
That is not within me.

I am within you.
That is but true.

I find nothing
In the world
I find everything
In you.

But to be shot
To be shot down
With a blue bolt
Would be wrong.

Hope creates color
It sparkles in my eyes
With strengthened spirit

But there is despair,
In hope.

Where there were roses
Only the thorns remain
Where is the gain
In all the many losses.

I see with my heart,
And bleed with my eyes.

But after the night
There is always day
And after the day,
Again comes night

It is an endless cycle
One of constant change
We move and move
Never stopping once.

Life shall always goes on
Starting afresh each dawn
Life will end for you and me
But life will never end for life.

There is hope,
In despair.
There is hope,
In life.

What inspiring words. Hope in life. Brilliant stuff.

See what its come to? I have resorted to praising my own work.

AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I LOVE GOD. i dont think he trusts me though. i know he kinda likes me but he doesnt trust me. he thinks i am weak. he thinks i am easily wavered. but i’ll show him. i’ll show him.

Yeah goodnight people. same time next week. same place. and same me.